I've been feeling pretty emotional off and on over the past week. I'm not sure why. Yesterday I had a headache and was just not up to yard work or anything majorly physical. I've done quite a bit of that during the week.
I went to lie down, and Michael came in from working on the property. I just started crying because I wasn't up to working. Michael was disappointed and I was disappointed. I realized that I need to mourn for the physical person I no longer am as I have mourned for other things I have lost. It's a hard process. At the beginning of the journey, I had no idea how complicated and all-encompassing the changes and adjustments would be. Six months later I am still trying to figure it all out.
I am no longer a person who can take a dog for a 2-3 hour walk. I can't walk a half-marathon. I can't do hours on end of house projects (inside or outside). That's not the me I'm familiar with. I realized that I hate the physical person I am right now.
I had lunch with a couple of people this week whom I hadn't seen in awhile. When they saw me I could see shock and sadness in their eyes at how I look. It was hard.
I am slowly coming to terms with the face I see in the mirror. I hope that in time I will learn to accept the body that is less capable now.
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Just Travelling Down Abby's Road
My final journey in this life is just beginning. I've shared a previous journey a couple of years ago and found blogging to be therapeutic and a way to share with others. Some may find this macabre and others may find it helpful in their own dealings. We are all on a final journey to somewhere.
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- JR
- I am an average person with a job, a significant other, dogs, cats, a house I love, and wonderful family and friends. I am involved in dog-related activities and since meeting Michael have been working on my pool game.
2 comments:
Jane, I was out this weekend on the Coal Creek Trail and I was thinking good things about you. I ran through the train underpass in Louisville--the one I think you walked under with one of your dogs, trying get her used to loud noises--while you were training for your half marathon. I smiled all the way through.
I think it is important to mourn your physical losses, but I also think it is important to recall your accomplishments with pride. You are someone who has set long-term goals and attained them! You trained and completed a half marathon. You will always have that accomplishment even if you have different abilities now. But you have done it. You showed up. You participated. You kicked ass.
I think you are doing the same along this journey: showing up, participating, and kicking ass.
I'm still thinking good things about you. -ee
Accepting new physical limitations is difficult, especially for people who are used to being active and busy. But most of us at least get to become accustomed to things over a much longer period of time...you are having to adapt to so many changes at warp speed without much time to become reconciled, or time to get your thoughts and feelings worked out in order to drain off some of the intensity of expression. When you look into our faces, instead of sadness, think of it rather as how much we love you. And remember that you've done this for us when we've needed to be understood and "forgiven" for our changes in performance...true friends love to give as much as receive! Use your strength to fight and rest...the weeds will wait. We love you.
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