Scared

I'm scared about my scan results. I can keep the thoughts at bay during the day/evening while I am occupied with other things like dog shows, reading, errands, TV, etc. At the end of the day when I'm getting ready for bed, it hits me. I'm scared. I cry. I try not to imagine the worst, yet at the same time try to be prepared for it. It's a hard dichotomy to traverse.

Tonight Michael suggested I get up and blog about what I'm feeling. I had thought the same thing, but didn't want to do it without him knowing how I was feeling first. Bless his heart for convincing me I need to do this.

It's been 6 months. It hasn't been easy. I think I've weathered everything fairly well, all things considered. I don't feel great most of the time, and that is worrisome. I don't know if it's the chemo or the cancer or both. Barring pleurisy or really low counts, I manage to go on and live a pretty normal life. People are still treating me like me and most are comfortable asking about the cancer and chemo. I'm grateful for that.

I'm still not used to seeing that other woman in my mirror. The one who's lost 30 pounds, has dry, scaly skin, and the sparse hair that often sticks up like she'd had her finger in a light socket. I get to know her a little more each day, but in many ways she is still a stranger. I am trying to make friends with her and slowly we are getting to know each other better.

I've mentioned that my CA19-9 numbers had gone up a bit last month. I will get the test again on Thursday with my other bloodwork, so won't know my scores again until maybe Friday. I WILL know what the scan shows on Thursday. I am looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time.

I know my family and friends are as anxious as I am to know what is happening. I try to think positive thoughts and picture the imagery of everyone's thoughts and prayers raining down on me as a warm light. It is a little soothing.

I tell myself that I can't change the results by worrying about it, but the worrier part comes out to haunt me before I sleep. I go sleep with a little pharmaceutical help now. It's too hard to quiet the mind at night.

I think it's helped to write this in real time--as I am feeling it. It doesn't quiet my fears, but I don't feel as alone with them. Thanks for sharing them with me.