Realism vs. Optimism

A few weeks ago I wrote about optimism vs. realism. After actually reading my CT scan report, I think I also need to look at things from this perspective as well. We had looked at the scan while the doc read some of the notes. When I read it myself it doesn't sound as rosy. There were lots of uses of the words 'bigger, more, new, increased, spread', etc.

Sometimes I may gloss over how things really are and how I present them to people. Today you get the true version of JRz pancreatic cancer (pancan). I'll try not to get too graphic, but give you the gist of it.

I've lost >60 lbs in less than a year. Not just the unattractive fat, but the muscle as well. I have loose skin hanging from my upper arms, thighs, and stomach. If I was healthy, I'd be all over getting a full body lift and makeover. But... Also, I have no padding anymore. Sitting on hard furniture is really uncomfortable. I can, tho, cross my legs and have the leg on top touch the floor and sometimes wrap behind the other leg. That's a new one for me.

My abdomen is distended. I look like I'm pregnant. Tomorrow I will have some fluid removed. I can't wait. I constantly feel like I've just eaten three turkey dinners and feel slightly nauseated. It's very uncomfortable. I'm hungry and I just can't eat enough, and I know that's not good. Hopefully I'll be able to eat again and maybe gain a little weight back.

I probably usually look better than I feel. I sleep on average (between night and nap) about 12 hours per day. I'm not full of energy, altho I try to summon, save, or build up energy for the things I want or need to do. That's pretty invisible to most people.

Being on a narcotic wreaks havoc with my bowels. I go from constipation with cramping, bleeding, and pain to the other extreme of gas and diarrhea. Can't quite seem to find the balance. I'm really hoping getting the abdominal fluid removed will help.

Chemo brain is the least physical, but it's a scary thing to deal with. I can't focus well, have a hard time working on one task for any period of time, and of course have memory problems. It's just flat out disturbing, since I remember the person I used to be who could juggle several things at once.

I just feel weak. I used to be strong, and even tho overweight, in some semblance of reasonable shape. I surprise myself sometimes, by how much of that strength is gone. It worries me.

I'm happy that I haven't had to spend a night in a hospital, have surgery, or have radiation. I'm not saying the good outweighs the bad. I am always aware that things could be worse than they are.

Thanks again for your prayers, positive thoughts, support, and help with some of the more mundane tasks of life. You all are inspiration in the fight forward. xo