I Don't Qualify

After weeks in limbo, I finally got the news that I don't qualify for that perfect phase 2 study the doctor presented to me. After several sessions of fluids/blood draws and a 24-hr urine sample, my creatinine levels have been consistently up, meaning my kidney function is down.

I am so disappointed, upset, and angry. I'm angry because we've been strung along since before our vacation. The doctor is at a conference, he only comes into the hospital once a week, there are holidays. Just business as usual. It's not business as usual for those of us who have the cancer. Every moment not under treatment is time for the monster to grow and invade our bodies further. Since Thanksgiving time frame, I've gone from having minimal abdominal discomfort to using pain medication. That tells me something is going on in there. People with cancer don't have time for holidays, conferences, or just time to wait.

If we could have moved this along from the beginning, I'd have had all my tests and been approved much earlier, as the kidney issue didn't show up in blood work until right before Christmas.

So, now we are in waiting mode again for the doctor to call us from wherever he is out of town right now. Our best shot at really doing something proactive is gone. The baseline numbers must be at certain margins otherwise I might get hurt. What's the worst that could happen? DUH!

I'm not angry at any one specific person. I'm angry at the system for its bureaucracy that costs us precious time. I'm angry at the cancer for coming into my life and screwing things up. I'm angry that I'll be denied a treatment that could possibly be my miracle. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I need to move forward in a productive direction. I can't afford to wait anymore. Don't forget that those of us who are waiting are the ones with the least amount of time.

Our new bed came yesterday. It's WAY more comfortable than the old one. It will be good to at least be able to sleep comfortably.