Information on Jane's Memorial Service and Lunch-in

This is Jane’s Husband, Mike

  Before I tell you where Jane’s Memorial Service is,  I need to start with a small story that started several weeks ago.

  Bob and Debbie Sencenbaugh contacted us telling us that they were going to have a Dog Weight Pulling contest in Jane’s honor.   Bob stated that the proceeds from the Weight Pull were strictly for Jane to have some fun with.   

  Jane and I talked it over and decided to use the money for our 1st anniversary, a date that we didn’t know we would make.   

  We missed the first day of the Weight Pull, but made it the second day.   We found out that the many members of the Denver Samoyed Association had helped out both on Saturday and Sunday with people traveling as far as Colorado Springs in order to support Jane.   Jane didn’t want to go at first cause she felt slightly embarrassed, but with a little push from me we showed up.   When we got there and found out how many of Jane’s friends had come out to help,  she was glad she came and amazed how many people around were supporting her.

  The amount that Bob gave us in proceeds was far more then anyone expected.  Bob explained that many people entered without actually showing up just so Jane could receive a little something.  Again, both Jane and I were blown away!

  As we came closer to our anniversary, we made reservations for a Bed & Breakfast in Woodland Park.  We decided to explore Colorado and that looked like a good place to spend the weekend.    

  Then Jane’s condition changed.  One morning a few weeks ago, we talked and decided to cancel or reservations because Jane was spending most of the time in bed and really was to week to do anything exciting.  We talked about what to do with the money and she said that it would be nice to have a party with her friends and loved ones.   ( we had talked about having a series of parties for her friends earlier in the year, but due to chemo and not feeling good, we never got around to it )

She also stated that it would be nice to have it where we got married, at the Club House close to were we lived.    Unfortunately, Jane’s time ran out.

  This service is with Jane’s wishes in mind,

EVENT:  Memorial Service for Jane F. Reller 

                                        with 

               A Lunch will be provided after the service for all of Jane’s 

               friends.  This will give us the chance to tell “Jane Stories” 

               and to have some food and fun.

PURPOSE:   To remember Jane, but also to realize that even if 

                Jane is gone, she want to celebrate “LIFE”   Jane Loved

                each and every one of you, and wanted to give something 

                back!  This is a way for me and  Jane’s family to honor 

                 Jane's wishes.

TIME:  1:00pm to 4:00pm 

DATE:  May 3rd, 2009

LOCATION:  Heritage Todd Creek Golf Club

                     8455 Heritage Drive

                    Thornton, Colorado

                    80602

  For those who wish to make a donation, Jane worked

extensively with the Denver Samoyed Rescue.  Here is there

information

Denver Samoyed Rescue

PO Box 1564

Arvada, CO  80001-1564

Here is a little map to help show how to get to the memorial:

( if you have questions, feel free to e-mail me at msprewitt@gmail.com )

Jane's passing

  This is Jane's Husband, Mike.

  I am sad to report that Jane Frances Reller passed away today ( 4/29 ) at

1:40p.m  MDT.   

  I will find out more tomorrow ( 4/30 ) about memorial service

arrangements.   As soon as have the details, I will post them on 

this blog.

  For all the people who have known Jane,  both I and the Reller

family share your grief and sense of loss.

  Jane was a wonderful lady and I, like you, will dearly miss her.

Regards,

Mike Prewitt  ( Jane's Husband )

Mike and Jane in Feb of 2009

Jane's Status!

  This is Jane's Husband, Mike.   

After several requests for updates to Jane's blog, I have taken the roll of presenting an  update of Jane's status and everything that has happened up to this point.

April 1st, 2009  - Jane went to play pool and had brought her A-game.  she lost her 8-ball match, but won her 9-ball match.   Her play has been some of the best I have seen Jane ever do.   A good way to end her pool playing career ( more on this later ).

April 2nd - Jane went in to have a paracentesis ( a procedure that would remove fluid in Jane's abdomen ).  Excessive fluid has been collecting for 2-3 weeks within Jane's abdomen and was causing her breathing problems and the sensation that she was full all the time.    This is a common thing with cancer patients.   They took out 4 liters, or about 10 pounds of fluid.

April 3rd -  Jane had some bleeding issues so we went to University Hospital.  After looking at her blood test, it was felt that she needed to be hospitalized overnight in order to give her some vitamin K and a blood transfusion.   

April 4th, Jane was released from the Hospital feeling somewhat better,  but was still weaker then she had been earlier in the week.

April 7th - Jane went in for a post hospital doctor's visit.  They took Jane's lab and found that her kidney function  was seriously compromised.  This is big news because we were  hoping onto getting in another Phase 1 Study, but the kidney levels were to high for Jane to qualify.

April 9th -  I found Jane sitting on the floor babbling and not making any sense.  I had been sleeping in a different bedroom because of the pain, Jane has become a very light sleeper.  ( Jane says I snore, but I never heard myself snore, since I always am sleeping ) For several mornings previously, she had been calling me by telephone around in the morning to feed the dog and cats.   This morning, I woke up at 6 in order to get ready to go to the hospital.   I was surprised that Jane hadn't called me, and seeing the animals demanding food, I knew that Jane hadn't fed them.   I went into the bedroom, found a very upset Jane trying to figure out how to stand up and who's speech didn't make any sense.   I got her into bed, fed the dogs/cats and called Jane's sister to help.    

Since we had an early appointment with Jane's doctor, we decided to take her to the University Hospital Cancer Center so he could evaluate her condition.   The doctor took blood tests and came back saying that her kidneys were to far gone for any chemo-therapy.   His advice was to contact Hospice and try to make Jane as comfortable as possible.    He said that she had weeks maybe couple of months.

The doctor admitted Jane to University Hospital again.  Anne called Jane's other sisters and family and stated that they may want to come.  Jane wasn't looking so good.

April 10th - I spent the night in the hospital with Jane.  About every hour or so, she needed to use the bathroom.   I helped every time because she was not able to walk under her own power.  But as the early morning went on,  Jane became more and more cognizant of what was happening.  by mid morning, she was back, though she was very weak and had very little color in her skin.

The Hospice contact came in, and Jane was upset that the Doctor hadn't told her that chemo was not an option.  ( remember, Jane had no memory of the day before )   We got the doctor on the phone and he told Jane that her options were pretty limited at this point.  It was hard to see Jane relive what the rest of us had gone through the day before.  It was decided that she would spend another night in the hospital while Hospice set up everything for Jane at the house.  

April 11 - After a major cleaning of the house by Jane's sisters and a few friends, Jane came home.   She was functioning better, and seemed to be stronger.  Hospice provided a walker and an oxygen machine  to help with Jane's breathing.    Both Jane's parents showed up and helped around the house.    Some people came to visit, and for the most part, it was a good but exhausting day.

April 12 -  Jane saw more visitors and again, another really exhausting day.  

April 15 -  Jane started the day out good, but ...   we were out on the front porch in the swinging chair.   It got cold and we decided to go in.   Last I saw was jane up and walking to the door.  Next thing I know she and fallen on her back and hit her head on the cement.   We tried to stand her up but it seemed like she was in deep pain ( later we found out that she had a strong case of vertigo and nausea )  so we left her lying down, putting a pillow over her head, covering her in blankets and waited for the ambulance to arrive.   

The EMT's arrived and together we decided that it would be best if we went to the hospital.   We arrived at the emergency room at University Hospital where they gave her anti-nausea and pain medication.   The doctor said that there was a big knot on Jane's head, but because Jane was so weak, there wasn’t a lot they could do.   We got home around 10:30 that night..  

April 16 -  Jane slept most of the day.  Every time she got up to either take her pills or use the bathroom, she vomited. 

April 17th -  Jane was doing better.   By this time, she wasn't vomiting, but was still dizzy when she got up.    That afternoon, she had her second paracentesis.   This time they pulled out 7.4 liters, or pretty close to 8 quarts.  Again, this is like 15-16 pounds of fluid.  

April 18, April 19 -   Jane has started to eat a little bit, and has gradually been getting stronger.  She is still pretty fatigued and is very frail.    

April 20th -  In the morning, Jane got up and with the walker came out in the breakfast nook area.  After a while, she decided to move to the living-room and sit in her chair.   she napped for a few hours.   When she got up again, she headed towards the bed-room to take a nap.  On the trip back, her legs collapsed due to lack of strength and she fell down and again wacked her head on the wood floor.  After about 30 minutes, we got her into the wheel-chair and got her to bed.   

This morning as I write this, she wanted me to wheel her out to the living room and is sitting in her recliner.  so today is starting out good.

Currently, Jane isn’t able to walk, can move with a lot of assistance,

doesn’t talk very much because talking takes large amounts of energy, and hasn’t eaten in 2 days.   Jane is also being medicated for pain.  Jane’s family and I are doing our very best to keep Jane comfortable.     We feel that Jane’s time in this world is short.   

We are now up to date more or less on Jane's status.   I know she has a lot of idea's to post to this blog, but to be honest with you all, I am not sure if she will be able to post again.  Like you all, I am keeping my finger's crossed that she will.  

A few weeks ago, she told me that the time is coming soon when she will be making that trip over the rainbow bridge herself.  I just hope that Sydney, Cooper, Nikki ( her first dog ) and all her other pets are there to greet her.    

I don’t know what to say at this point except thank you for all the positive support!   

Mike Prewitt ( Jane’s Husband )     

Realism vs. Optimism

A few weeks ago I wrote about optimism vs. realism. After actually reading my CT scan report, I think I also need to look at things from this perspective as well. We had looked at the scan while the doc read some of the notes. When I read it myself it doesn't sound as rosy. There were lots of uses of the words 'bigger, more, new, increased, spread', etc.

Sometimes I may gloss over how things really are and how I present them to people. Today you get the true version of JRz pancreatic cancer (pancan). I'll try not to get too graphic, but give you the gist of it.

I've lost >60 lbs in less than a year. Not just the unattractive fat, but the muscle as well. I have loose skin hanging from my upper arms, thighs, and stomach. If I was healthy, I'd be all over getting a full body lift and makeover. But... Also, I have no padding anymore. Sitting on hard furniture is really uncomfortable. I can, tho, cross my legs and have the leg on top touch the floor and sometimes wrap behind the other leg. That's a new one for me.

My abdomen is distended. I look like I'm pregnant. Tomorrow I will have some fluid removed. I can't wait. I constantly feel like I've just eaten three turkey dinners and feel slightly nauseated. It's very uncomfortable. I'm hungry and I just can't eat enough, and I know that's not good. Hopefully I'll be able to eat again and maybe gain a little weight back.

I probably usually look better than I feel. I sleep on average (between night and nap) about 12 hours per day. I'm not full of energy, altho I try to summon, save, or build up energy for the things I want or need to do. That's pretty invisible to most people.

Being on a narcotic wreaks havoc with my bowels. I go from constipation with cramping, bleeding, and pain to the other extreme of gas and diarrhea. Can't quite seem to find the balance. I'm really hoping getting the abdominal fluid removed will help.

Chemo brain is the least physical, but it's a scary thing to deal with. I can't focus well, have a hard time working on one task for any period of time, and of course have memory problems. It's just flat out disturbing, since I remember the person I used to be who could juggle several things at once.

I just feel weak. I used to be strong, and even tho overweight, in some semblance of reasonable shape. I surprise myself sometimes, by how much of that strength is gone. It worries me.

I'm happy that I haven't had to spend a night in a hospital, have surgery, or have radiation. I'm not saying the good outweighs the bad. I am always aware that things could be worse than they are.

Thanks again for your prayers, positive thoughts, support, and help with some of the more mundane tasks of life. You all are inspiration in the fight forward. xo

A Glimpse Into Alzheimers?

Last week while I was playing pool, something happened. My opponent scratched on her shot, so it was my 'ball in hand' to put anywhere on the table. I saw that I needed a bridge to get at my target ball, so put the cue ball at the end of the table to get the bridge. When I stood up, I saw that the cue ball was at the other end of the table from my target ball, and got confused as to why I would need a bridge. What was I thinking? I put the bridge back and made the shot. Then I realized that it had been my 'ball in hand' and that I was going to move the ball closer to my target ball and then use the bridge to shoot. I was shocked by the mistake I had just made. A few minutes later I realized that I had missed my afternoon pain killer and was pretty uncomfortable. Plus the confusion over what I had just done, was very disconcerting.

I'm not saying that I have Alzheimers, but I think I got a glimpse of what it is like to momentarily have forgotten what I was doing. Once I took a pain pill and it kicked in, I was able to focus better.

This wasn't like we all forget why we got up from the couch, went into the other room. It was disturbing to know that I could completely 'lose my place' doing something I've done before.

I can't imagine how horrifying it must be for people who have the disease and how devasting to their families and friends who have to watch their loved ones slowly become someone else.

Not the Greatest News, but It Certainly Could Be Worse

I think Michael and I got through the waiting period fairly well this time. No major blowups, nice pretty even keel interactions.

We looked at the last scan today. There is no horrible news like my lungs are full of tumors now, or things have quadrupled in size. There has been growth. Not a whole lot of it is new, but some things have increased in size in the 3-4 cm range. The drugs may have slowed things down a little but there was no growth stoppage. So, these drugs are not working for me.

Once I've cleansed my chemo 'palate' in about about 3 weeks I will start another Phase I study. My organ functions are all still good. I'm not starting to fail, so it is still valuable to try something else. If I did nothing, I got the 3-6 month speech (nobody really knows anyway). So, it will be on to protocol #3. I haven't read the study yet, but this will be a pill. So, no twice-weekly infusions and hopefully just bloodwork on a regular basis. Also, apparently it is tolerated pretty well. What's not to love?

I'm not ready to give up. I have a launch to go to in May, visits from family, and our anniversary to celebrate. Today the landscape people were here to do Spring cleanup. WOW! They removed 14 dead trees/bushes, and literally the flower beds are starting from scratch. I am going to take pictures of it as the seasons go on. With a proper cleanup in the spring, then it will probably look even more fantastic.

Tomorrow is a new day, new normal, and we move on. Today was for crying, wallowing, and napping to escape.

End of Cycle 2

Yesterday I had my last study drug treatment of this cycle. My platelets recovered substantially over the weekend. Friday I will have my after-cycle bloodwork done. Monday is the CT scan, and next Thursday we will meet with the doctor to review the before and after scans. I am trying to live in the moment and not to project or worry. I am being moderately successful.

Those Darn Platelets

I went in for treatment on Friday. Everything was a 'go' and they started my pre-medications. I sent off my friend who had driven me. Then they came in and said we can't treat you, your platelets are too low. I called my friend, who fortunately was still in the parking lot.

My platelets were too low to get treatment, but not low enough to receive a bag or two. This happened at the same time in the first cycle. I was disappointed. I'll go back tomorrow for my last treatment and hopefully get it.

So, my sister who was going to pick me up later met me for a movie that afternoon. We saw The Reader, which was fabulous.

A week from tomorrow I will have my next CT scan. That will tell us where we go from here. I'm working really hard not to project the future and just live in the moment. My emotions are a bit at the surface, but I'm staying in control. Fortunately I have a lot going on next week, so that should help me.

Optimism vs. Realism

It's really difficult to strike a balance between the two. We all want to be optimistic. A year ago I don't think we were that optimistic that I would still be here now. The realism part is that there is no forever for my situation. Other than that, I don't have any knowledge about what is to happen. I try to be optimistic that my good luck will hold out.

Of course, this comes up because I'm due to have a scan in a couple of weeks to see how the study drugs are working. I tell myself to live in the moment because I can't change what is to be. It is easier said than done sometimes.

My fiance from college died yesterday in Billings, MT while being treated for his second bout with lymphoma and working towards a bone-marrow transplant. He contacted me a couple of years ago after he had gotten sick the first time. He's had a hard life in many ways, mostly due to his abuse of alcohol. The last decade or more, he got sober and lived a quiet life in the country working for the county.

He said he looked for me because I was someone he had fond memories of. I thought that it sounded like he had paid plenty of penance in his life, and it would be interesting to re-establish contact all these years later. A few months later I started my battle with pancan. He had a lot of wisdom and encouragement to share with me because of having been through chemo and other life journies. He strongly urged me to live in the moment and let the past and the future go since they are uncontrollable in the present.

I have tried hard to do this, and sometimes I am successful. His encouragement, as someone who had taken the journey twice helped me a lot. I am grateful for his kindness and his wisdom. I hope I can make him proud.

Cycle 2, Day 8

Today I had both chemo drugs. I also got two pints of blood. I was pretty anemic. When I left, everyone commented on how much pinker I looked. I must have been pretty pale. Almost 9 hours at the hospital. I slept and read. I feel pretty good. Just had some dinner.

Tomorrow I am going to a play with the sistahs. We'll have dinner and then the play. It should be fun. I think Michael and I will try to do a movie earlier in the day. He has to work tomorrow night and probably on Sunday.

My nurse today told me she did two tours in Iraq as an army nurse. That must have been a life-changing experience. I didn't ask any more questions. I did tell her that I, personally, really appreciate all the nurses in the chemo center for being so nice and helping to make a nasty situation, a little more tolerable. I think she really appreciated hearing that. I'm glad I said it.

Will probably go to bed early tonight.

Life Is Like a Box of Chocolates...

...you never know what you're going to get. That was yesterday. Tuesday I felt OK. Then Tuesday night I started getting this weird pulsing in my upper body. You know how the blood rushes to your head when you get up too quickly, well, this was like blood rushing to my whole torso. It was extremely painful and happened when I sat up and layed down. My back muscles cramped and it was just awful. That happened off and on all night and into the day. I didn't get up until 3:30 yesterday.

Today I feel fine, met a couple friends for lunch and meeting another shortly for coffee. I will definitely talk to the PA about it tomorrow when I go in for chemo.

So, thankfully my friends are gracious about my having to sometimes cancel plans at the last minute. I had planned to play pool, but wasn't up to it so I will have several make-up games to play next week. It makes things interesting for sure.

It has been about a year since we lost our dog Molly which was the harbinger of this whole cancer journey. I am still here. I am so grateful.

Back in the Saddle Again

We are home from San Diego. It was a nice trip. The weather was cool, sunny/cloudy, and rainy. We had a nice time out on the boat with our friends. We saw dolphins and sea lions, but not whales. That was kind of a bummer. But, I hadn't been on a boat for awhile, I brought the right clothes, and it was fun.

We took a behind-the-scenes educational tour at the Wild Animal Park. A group of 10 people. We were on the other side of a chain link fence from 3 cheetahs. We could hear them purring. We were in an observation room watching 5 half-grown lion cubs. One jumped up on his hind legs and pounded on the window in front of me. Those guys are really big. Then we did a little hands on with a snake, hedgehog, and something else I can't remember. We got to touch them which was cool.

We went to the zoo and saw the pandas, gorillas, and chimps. The day started out rainy, but by the time we got there the sun came out. We also visited Pt. Loma where the light houses are. Great views of San Diego bay.

We had dinner with friends of our friends who we also know and who were in Las Vegas last year for the surprise birthday party. They are a lot of fun. We played board games at night, hung out, talked, and just had a nice time.

Yesterday I started Cycle 2, and received both drugs. I feel pretty good today. Monday will go in for the study drug. Will have my next CT scan on Monday 3/16 and will have an idea what is going on.

Until then, chemo on Mon/Fri, pool on Wed, and hopefully some productive work around the house and down time the rest of the days.

Good to be sleeping in our own bed again.

Cycle 1, Day 18

I went in for my study drug infusion today. My platelets and white count are all good. Thursday I will have blood work and talk to the nurse practitioner, then it's off to the airport.

Nikki is healing well. She is taking things slowly, so that is good. Kohlbi is back to sucking on her ears.

I went to KMART on Saturday and bought some clothes that fit me. Everything was on extreme sale, so that was great. I really don't want to lose more weight, but the scale at the hospital didn't have good news today.

Tomorrow I will go to the hair salon and see what they can do with what I have. It sort of wants to go into a mohawk. Maybe they can just get it all one length and that will help.

Now it's the countdown to leaving town. Lots to do. Glad I didn't have the Gemzar today which would have made it more difficult this week. Hopefully I'll come home with pictures of flukes.

Good luck to my dog friends at the big show next weekend.

Carpet Cleaning and Dog Home from Vet

Nikki, our German Shorthair Pointer, came home from the vet late this afternoon. She's been there 3 days. She had surgery for a bowel obstruction on Tuesday morning. We've visited her each day and she's gone from not feeling good at all to being so happy to be home. She needs to take it easy, eat some special food for awhile, and take some meds, but she is as good as new. That was scary.

She vomited off and on over the weekend and we took her in on Monday when it became clear she didn't just have a bug. Today I got out the steam cleaner and cleaned up four rooms. Is it just me, or is that steam cleaner getting heavier? That was a lot of work.

Yesterday I took Kohlbi to a woman recommended by my breeder for grooming. I won't even say how long it's been since I worked on him. The groomer used to have Sammies and now has Siberian Huskies. She did an awesome job. He was starting to blow coat, so I suspect she got 25-30% of that hair out. I will take him in again in about a month to get the rest of his undercoat out, and then take him in on a regular basis just to keep up. It's nice to have that option, as it is a lot of work to bathe, dry, and comb him out.

Tomorrow is Cycle 1, Day 15 and the plan is to get both medications infused. Hopefully, nothing will stand in the way. Then Monday I'll have the last study drug infusion of this cycle and do blood work on the way to the airport on Thursday. So, I'll have 9 days of no infusion or hospital until after we get back from San Diego. WOOHOO!

I really have felt pretty good this week since my study drug on Monday. I just don't know if that is a good thing or not. But, I will enjoy it as long as it lasts. My face markings are starting to fade a bit now. But, it was an interesting experience.

A Picture Is Worth at Least a Few Words

I know, I still look like I'm on drugs, but it occurs to me that I haven't taken a pain pill since 6:00 am this morning.

And, yes, there is some substantial hair growth. The only question now is whether it will disappear with this round of chemo just as it turns into something I might actually be able to cut and style. SIGH!

No, I Was Not in a Fight

After my drug-induced face plant on the carpet Friday night, my face just keeps getting more interesting. There is a bruise under the scab on my nose, and I've got bruising under my eyes so it looks like I was in a fight. It's not real dramatic, but I've never had any kind of a black eye before. We're trying to get a good picture of it. I'll post it if we can get one. I find it pretty amusing. I'm amazed I didn't break my nose or have a good nose bleed considering I'm on blood thinners. One of my knees is scabbed and sore as is the back of my left arm. Now you know why I don't drink or do illegal drugs. I'd be black and blue all over all the time.

Thinking of You All

It's been a bit of rough weekend. The carpet diving Friday night apparently affected more than my nose. I have bruises and am sore all over. Last night we had a sick dog vomiting all night. Today I've just been hanging out with her and making sure she's doing OK and getting water. Still have to steam clean all the spots on the carpet. Not up to it today.

Tomorrow I have my 7:00 am appt for my study drug. Michael will drop me off and my friend MS will pick me up. Then I'll spend the afternoon with my sister at the house. I talked to a couple of friends over the weekend. I feel like I'm isolating myself in some ways. Part of it is that I don't feel comfortable driving much, and part of it is that it's a big effort to get ready to go out and do anything. I know that's pretty whiny, but it's the truth.

I'm anxious to find out how I'm doing on this regimen. I'm anxious about and excited to go to San Diego, but know that will be a hard trip in some ways.

I think about my friends and coworkers a lot, even if we're not in touch often enough. You all still mean a lot to me, and having you in my corner is so very important. Thank you.

Cycle 1 Day 8

Today my appt was at 10:45, so my neighbor drove me to the hospital. Bloodwork was taken, and I turned up anemic. Enough that they decided to drop my Gemzar dosage. We also decided to get two units of blood which would be faster at keeping my anemia at bay. The Arinesp shot takes awhile to kick in, and there is now talk that it may interfere with the Gemzar.

So, I spent the afternoon hooked up. Napped a bit. My blood pressure went up and down all day, not sure why. After I started taking the high-blood medication, I had an immediate drop to those numbers I've had all my lilfe. We're not sure what the cause is.

I'm having some restless leg syndrome tonight, so took an Ambien and waiting for that to kick in. Hopefully I'll have a short day at the hospital on Monday. My sister wants to spend the afternoon with me. That wil be really nice, considering her schedule this time of year.

Saturday afternoon: Whatever it is I took kicked in big time. I could hardly walk. My balance was off the charts. I fell at some point face first into the carpet and have a nice scrape and bruise at the top of my nose. Went back to bed after a bit and slept in spurts. Took a nap this afternoon. Not sure what that was all about. Always carefully check your medication bottles especially when there are more of them than you have fingers on one hand.

I'm not really feeling the perk I expected from the blood transfusion. I do have a bit of a headache. I think we may need to get a sphygmomenometer (blood pressure kit) to keep a closer eye. The blood pressure issue really bothers me. I've had low-end BP my whole life. After I finished the chemo in November, it suddenly went up--way up. No one could explain why it jumped. As soon as I started the meds, it came down pretty nicely. But it seems to jump around a bit. So, we may keep a closer eye on that.

Ah, the joys of chemo again. Can't live with it, can't live without it. One thing I have learned is that if you're going to have chemo, get the power port. It just makes things easier. Don't wait for 3 months like I did to see if the chemo is working or not. That port just saves all kinds of trouble. Your veins will thank you.

Cycle 1 Day 4

I had my second infusion of the study drug yesterday. It went well, and I am feeling OK. Michael had meetings, so he dropped me off and a friend in the neighborhood came and picked me up. She volunteered to do that again on Friday. Thanks LY.

I go back on Friday for an infusion of both drugs again. That seems to add about an hour to the day. Not too bad. I managed to nap through most of yesterday's infusion.

Saturday some friends gave us tickets to the draft horse competitions in the afternoon that they weren't able to attend. It was cool. Those horses are all so HUGE and they work really hard. They had a horse weight pull at the end. I've done dog weight pull at the National Western, so it was neat to see the differences. Those horses loved the pulling and really put their hearts and souls into it.

It was really fun to get to attend the stock show events this year. Thank you B&AM. Something to check off the bucket list. We also have our plans made to go whale watching in San Diego in mid-February. Can't wait to see our friends and have some fun.

Now, if it would just warm up a bit...

Cycle 1 Day 1 (C1D1) and Other Things

We were at the hospital at 7:30 this morning. Stayed for about 6 hours. Since it was my first treatment there, things took a little longer. I had two anti-nausea drugs, then the half-hour Gemzar, and then the two-hour Onconova. Slept through most of that. Then we grabbed a bite to eat and came home. I feel pretty good. Just going to take it easy the rest of the day.

Went to the National Western Stock Show and saw Dancing Horses last night. It was something I've always wanted to see. It was really cool. I admire people who are so comfortable on a horse that they look so effortless when they ride.

We also went to a funeral home and made arrangements for me. Now that that's done, I don't expect I'll be needing it for awhile. Having it in place takes the pressure off, so now I can put that off for a long while. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I have a good friend who is a funeral director, so it was comfortable to have her sit in the meeting. Knowing her gave me the confidence to just do it. It is a relief to me and to Michael. It also gave the four of us an opportunity to bring out our sick sense of humor. It helped.

So, the next battle begins. We are still making plans for the future including whale watching in mid-February and the shuttle launch in mid-May.

I'm In The Study

I just found out this morning that I am, indeed, approved for the second study we tried for. I will be taking a new drug, Onconova, to see how it does with the drug Gemcitibine (Gemzar) which I took in my first chemo attempt. It is hoped that this drug helps the Gemzar retain its efficacy longer, without beating up the person so badly at the same time.

I'll be going to University Hospital about twice a week. The Onconova infusion will take about 2 hours. The Gemzar will again take about 30 minutes. I will get both drugs together every other treatment. Each round is 28 days. After the second round I will get another CT scan to see how things are progressing (or not progressing).

It's been good in some ways to be off chemo for awhile, but I know things are progressing slowly and I'm anxious to try to get the process to slow down and/or stop. The side effects could be similar to what I experienced last year. So, I kind of know what to expect, but yet it is still a bit daunting to think of going through it again.

I am certainly not ready to give up. I am so grateful that I am still here almost 1 year later. I'm ready to be done with cancer and move on with my life. I hope that this will be my miracle. I've done my best to handle this as well as I can. Maybe I've proved I can handle whatever comes my way. Maybe it's time to move onto the next lesson. Maybe I can take this episode of my life and turn it into some way of helping other people.

Anyway, we march on. Thank you for continuing on this journey with me.

Redemption (I Hope)

The nice thing about the blog is that I can let it all out, disperse the emotion, and then move on. That way I don't have to physically scream and scare the crap out of the neighbors.

The doctor called about half an hour ago when he got back to town. He always seems surprised that anyone would be sleeping at 8 or 9 in the morning. Huh! I talked to him about everything. I told him that I wasn't going to be in limbo for another two months and that I was worried about disease progression. He tried to get my CT scan up to look at it, but his computer had wigged out after a software upgrade. He said there were several phase 1 studies available and one study that looked particularly good for me, but he needed to verify the time frame and available slot. Since we've done all the testing, he said I should be able to get into one within the week.

Hopefully I will hear from him by Monday. I told him I'm available to come down and sign papers and get started at any time.

The last couple of days have been rough. A wise friend in Montana who is going through a similar journey to mine, makes sure that I can see the bigger picture and that I don't get stuck in a rut. He has been a good reality check. You know who you are. It's really amazing that people you never thought you'd be in touch with again, find you at the time that you need them most.

Ain't life grand?

I Don't Qualify

After weeks in limbo, I finally got the news that I don't qualify for that perfect phase 2 study the doctor presented to me. After several sessions of fluids/blood draws and a 24-hr urine sample, my creatinine levels have been consistently up, meaning my kidney function is down.

I am so disappointed, upset, and angry. I'm angry because we've been strung along since before our vacation. The doctor is at a conference, he only comes into the hospital once a week, there are holidays. Just business as usual. It's not business as usual for those of us who have the cancer. Every moment not under treatment is time for the monster to grow and invade our bodies further. Since Thanksgiving time frame, I've gone from having minimal abdominal discomfort to using pain medication. That tells me something is going on in there. People with cancer don't have time for holidays, conferences, or just time to wait.

If we could have moved this along from the beginning, I'd have had all my tests and been approved much earlier, as the kidney issue didn't show up in blood work until right before Christmas.

So, now we are in waiting mode again for the doctor to call us from wherever he is out of town right now. Our best shot at really doing something proactive is gone. The baseline numbers must be at certain margins otherwise I might get hurt. What's the worst that could happen? DUH!

I'm not angry at any one specific person. I'm angry at the system for its bureaucracy that costs us precious time. I'm angry at the cancer for coming into my life and screwing things up. I'm angry that I'll be denied a treatment that could possibly be my miracle. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I need to move forward in a productive direction. I can't afford to wait anymore. Don't forget that those of us who are waiting are the ones with the least amount of time.

Our new bed came yesterday. It's WAY more comfortable than the old one. It will be good to at least be able to sleep comfortably.