The Big D

Yes, I know it's not a pleasant topic. I've been sick with the big D since yesterday morning after I went to work. I could probably have a colonoscopy today if needed. It is a side effect of both chemo drugs. Up until now, I've had minor issues with it. Yesterday I had chills and was in and out of the bathroom all evening and into the night. I'm not finished yet, tho it seems to be waning as there is nothing left in my system. I am wrung out. I won't be going to work. I feel badly that I'm not able to do my job on the days that I'm supposed to work. I feel that I'm letting people down. I know that it's not really in my control, but still...

Back to Reality

Today I'm going back to work. Mom and Dad are still here and we will see them tonight. It's time to get back into a routine. Thursday will be R2D15. Mom is coming with us again. This time she will get to see the poison injected. Thank-you notes need to be written. Then it's back to our 'normal' life. Hard to believe the wedding has come and gone already. Still, it was perfect.

Wedding Day

The wedding was on Saturday. It was perfect. The weather didn't evolve into anything wet. The sun came out later. It was perfect.

The day started with makeup and hair provided by a friend. Two professionals came to the house. My sisters and I all took advantage of the services. We looked fabulous. Family came to the house little by little as we all got ready. At the appointed time our chauffeur came and took the men to the golf club. Finally, I could get dressed. My good friend who was staying with us gave me the perfect pearl earrings to wear with my dress. There was a little wardrobe malfunction, but I had a spare, so my sister quickly pressed the item and we were good to go.

We arrived at the location and walked into the ballroom. It was absolutely transformed. My wedding team had been there since 10 am decorating. It was perfect. I can't even begin to describe it.

We then started pictures. I met Michael's brother and sister for the first time. His grandparents were there. We assembled in various groupings for the photos. Everyone was happy and laughing. Just the way I wanted it.

Reverend Reller arrived and met my family. We knew he would guide us through everything and make sure we didn't make any mistakes.

After pictures, we went off to another room so the guests could come in and get settled. Rev. Reller came as well and went over a couple of things. My wedding planner came in and told us how we would be going in. We sat around and laughed until it was show time. It was perfect.

We started the procession. Michael and the best man were up on the stage. The sistahs filed in one at a time. Then it was time for me and my parents. As we waited at the back of the room, everyone stood up and the music started. I walked arm in arm with my parents to the front of the stage. Then we stood there... and stood there--waiting for the music to finish. Michael apologized for the length saying "it had looked good on paper". Everyone laughed. It was perfect.

Michael met me at the stairs and we walked into position. We had an opening prayer, the candles were lit, our friend did the reading, and then we said our vows and exchanged rings. I was determined to hold it together through the ceremony. Rev. Reller then pronounced us wife and husband and told me I could kiss the groom. Everyone laughed. It was perfect. As Michael and I walked toward the back of the room and receiving line, I did cry a little. I had to remember to dab and not smear the wonderful makup I was wearing.

After greeting all of our guests we started the buffet. The food was exceptional. Everyone loved it. It was perfect. We went off to mingle after we ate. Went from table to table. There was so much fun conversation and lots of laughter. We had people there from all facets of our lives. My family kept telling me that we had such nice friends. We do.

The best man made us do a first dance. Then he and his wife got up there and cut a rug. They had taken dance lessons. Michael and I clearly had not. The best man gave us a nice and humorous toast which ended with a quote from the priest in 'The Princes Bride'. If you're familiar with the movie, you'll figure it out. Michael and I then got a chance to thank everyone and tell them how much it meant to have them there.

We cut the cake and fed each other a little piece. No smashing in the face. We're too old for that crap. Then we brought out a surprise birthday cake for Michael and sang happy birthday. I didn't want that to be forgotten. It was perfect.

We then mingled some more, and guests started leaving a few at a time. The party wound down over the next hour. A few people danced, my team started taking down the decorations, and it was just family and close friends. We took photos with the disposable cameras. We requested 'Lady Marmalade' and the sistahs and my mom and aunt all got up to dance. It was perfect. Who knew my mom had moves?

Our chauffeur drove us home, family left, and we were there with our friends from CA. The first thing we did was change clothes. Then we sat around and talked, ate chips and dip, and finally around midnight called it a day. It was perfect.

Yesterday we all met for breakfast before my aunt and uncle and Michael's grandparents left. Then we went to the house and opened wedding gifts. We received some very nice and thoughtful gifts. We played 'Cranium' and then the family left. The four of us were tired and hung out talking before going to dinner. Then we hung out some more. It was perfect.

Thanks to my friends and family, the whole event went off without a hitch, with lots of humor, and was so much fun. I am so grateful to everyone. The day was perfect.

Today is the Day

Today is my wedding day. I slept in. I had breakfast. I checked email. I'll take a shower and get ready for the hair and makeup people.

We had a FUN evening with the family last night. Lots of laughs, good food (thanks to Michael and Matt), and just the perfect night before a wedding. Bachelor/bachelorette parties have nothing on that.

Today is also Michael's birthday. Happy Birthday, Michael! Things will be gearing up shortly. I'm looking forward to a really fun day.

Good News Today

Today we went in for R2D8 chemo. I told my favorite scheduling person, who was at the front desk that Michael and I were getting married on Saturday. She came out and hugged all three of us and got pretty teary. I love her. She calles me Miss Jane and she is SO nice.

I did requisite blood work. The doctor was out of the office so I talked to the PA about maybe not doing a full treatment so that I feel up to enjoying my wedding. She said that reducing the dosage wouldn't alter the typical side effects that I have for the next few days. She checked my white blood cell count and my platelets and they were fine. No excuses there. She said that we might be able to skip this treatment and then make it up later. She wouldn't do anything without checking with my doctor first.

There is a blood value called the CA19-9. It is the cancer marker. My initial count was in the 9,000s which is very high. They ran that test again last week and the value is now in the 5,000s. A very good sign. She said she and the doctor were practically giddy over the phone and when she came in to tell us, she said she would try to give us the good news in a professional manner. The result is that I get to skip this treatment and I don't have to make it up. With this news, we could even put off the scan until after round 3. I was so relieved to have some news that things were working, that of course I cried. Michael and my mom hugged me and I cried some more.

We then gave my mom a tour of the infusion area, where next week she may be able to come along and watch the poison enter my body.

Thanks to everyone for the prayer chains, good thoughts, and positive mojo. It sounds like it's working. I'm a very happy girl today.

Wedding Minus Three Days

We are almost at the gate. There is little to be done. We are done shopping for Mom. The clothes are ready at the cleaners. We've bought the booze for the Friday family dinner. The program is done. The RSVPs are over. The hair consultation was done to decide on the right look. There is nothing left to do but show up.

Tomorrow will be R2D8. I'm trying to change my appt to earlier in the day and will ask for half dosage. I don't want to spend the next few days feeling like a chemical container. I want to enjoy my friends, family, and the wedding. My cancer can take a few days off.

After all, I am the bride, and everyone says it's all about me.

One More Week

YIKES! The wedding is a week away. My mother is here now. Dad and his wife are coming on Wed. Best man and his wife are coming on Friday. Aunt and Uncle are coming on Friday. Michael's brother and sister are coming Saturday morning.

Things are going to start getting busy. My family came over yesterday for a get together with Mom. We had a nice afternoon with lots of laughter. I love that. Today we will get some work done around the house, and then probably go to my sister's house where Mom is staying until tonight. Tonight she comes here and stays through Thursday night.

I'm not nervous about the marriage, but I am a little nervous about the wedding. Even though I know my wedding planner and the team have everything well in hand, I'm still nervous about the pagentry of it. I know that the ceremony will be short and then we will just be having fun with friends and family.

I joked with Michael the other night that I was going to be the perfect, dutiful wife as I cut and served him pizza. I mostly did it to freak him out. It worked. :-)

Round 2, Day 1

Yesterday was the start of the second round of chemo. It took two pokes to get in a vein. Ouch. It was also a bit painful going in, as the vein was in my hand.

I have a superficial blood clot on my leg. So, the doctor wanted me to have an ultrasound to ensure that there were no deep clots. I had been watching my leg carefully after the trip to Vegas. Having pancreatic cancer as well as my previous DVT/PE experience makes me a bit more likely to get a blood clot. Fortunately, this is just an isolated surface clot. Hot compresses will help it to dissolve.

We didn't get home until after 3 pm yesterday. I was so tired. I went straight to bed and slept for 2.5 hours. Didn't have bad chills, but had the headache again. I slept for about 12 hours last night and at least the headache is gone this morning. I wasn't up to going to work.

The wedding countdown begins. My mother is coming in today. My father comes in next Wednesday. Other friends and relatives wil be in for the long weekend. There are things to do, but I'm also hoping to take it easy earlier in the week to save my energy.

Am I Special?

I noticed something over the weekend that I find somewhat disturbing--not necessarily in a really bad way, but it got me thinking. I don't mean anything negative towards anyone. I suspect that it's how some people deal with it. I'm just truly curious.

Some people treat me somewhat differently now that they know I have cancer. People have said things to me that I'm not sure they would have said if they didn't know I have cancer. It's almost like I'm perceived to be special because of the disease that I have. I absolutely know that people are speaking from the heart and are sincere. And I appreciate the thoughts and sentiments enormously. I'm happy that people have been reading the blog and that they haven't turned away from me. I'm enjoying connecting with people in a somewhat different way.

The only analogy I can come up with is this. For many months after my brother Eric died accidentally at age 19, I kind of thought of him as a perfect brother. Not conciously, but it seemed sort of sacreligious to think anything negative about him, since he was dead. Eventually I had an emotional breakthrough where I could no longer deny that we had had drama between us, that he was sometimes emotionally cruel to me, that we went a long time when I was in college where by some unspoken acknowledgement we had agreed to just steer clear of each other. It wasn't until then that I truly dealt with his death. It brought me peace.

Maybe it helps people to deal with something that scares them, to treat a person in a more special way. I'm still the same person I was a month ago. I have something major to deal with, and I'm trying to do that to the best of my ability. I have a new appreciation for what is important in life and what is not. I've mended a couple of relationships that needed a little help. That feels good.

I don't really feel like I'm communicating this very well. Maybe someone else can shed some light on it. Am I reading something into this that isn't really there? I'm not sure. I just want people to know that I'm still me--warts and all. I've learned a lot from my mistakes in the past and I think I've grown as a person over the years. I hope I continue to do that.

Back to Work

It was good to go back to work. I worked a half day on Monday and full days on Tuesday and Wednesday. I can really feel the fatigue at the end of the day. Having a good appetite this week probably also helped. It was good to get back to 'normal' and see my coworkers again.

Tomorrow will be Round 2, Day 1. I hope to work on Friday, but will see how I feel. I decided to take next week off. There's no point in working M-W, having chemo, and then be totally exhausted by the wedding. Plus my mother will be here and I can spend time with her. I need to do what's best for me, and I know it will be a busy and stressful week, albeit with a happy ending.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho...

...come on, your inner child knows the rest of the song.

I'm going back to work tomorrow. Half day since I have to pick up Michael at 1 pm. I'll work Tues/Wed, then take Thurs for chemo. Friday will have to be a wait and see. I feel badly about coming back to work and not being able to be there reliably. I'll have to see how it goes. I'm still waiting for confirmation as to how the treatment is or isn't working. That will help to guide what I decide to do. I just don't want to use up all my salary-continuance days, if I really don't need to be off.

As for the dog show, Kohlbi showed very nicely today to a judge who really didn't know what she wanted and couldn't make up her mind. Oh well.

This afternoon, I will go shopping for shoes for the wedding. Next to shopping for clothes, shopping for shoes (especially since my accident/surgeries) is my worst nightmare. I hope the misery ends quickly.

A Week Off

This is my week off from the chemo that is infused into my body on Thursdays. I definitely have more of an appetite and a bit more energy. I'm not looking forward to going back in next week to have the putrid poison pumped peripherally into my person. I shouldn't whine, tho. Other than a little D&C, loss of appetite, and fatigue, I can't really complain.

The rash from the pill seems to be localized on my nose, chin, and scalp, and is drying up a bit. I still have what little hair I've always had. Maybe I won't need that veil or burka for the wedding after all.

Our dog Kohbi is entered in the Terry-All Kennel Club dog show this weekend at Adam's County Fairgrounds, a stone's throw away. He won his class today, took winner's dog, and got a 4-point major (his second). For those of you not in the dog-show world, and therefore not privy to our secret language and code words--he did good. He did this with no undercoat whatsoever. We will see how we fare tomorrow. Each day is different and you never know what will happen. Michael and I are talking about possibly going to Albuquerque in mid-May for the show down there. We shall see.

It's funny how, with Michael gone, the animals are pretty quiet and well behaved. I'm not sure what that means. Is his presence the catalyst for animal house chaos? Do they not love me enough to misbehave for me? What a minute; never mind. :-)

I am gearing myself up for the next couple of weeks. They will be busy.

EEEEWWWW!

This analogy came to me while I was back in bed this morning after feeding the animals. I've always hated things like tics and other parasitc things that live off of the body. They've always grossed me out. Cancer is a parasite. It survives by using my body as a host. I hate that.

Comments

I went back to all of my posts and looked at the comments. I found some I had missed. I want to thank everyone who reads the blog. Thanks also to those of you who have commented. If you get anything at all from reading and/or commenting, then it's been worthwhile. I continue to be awestruck at how many people have gotten back in touch, or people who I rarely see who are putting out their positive energy. It helps me more than you can ever know.

Alone and Undistracted

I've lived alone for the majority of my adult life. I've always been independent. I put myself through school, bought two houses on my own, travelled, kept a good job, participated in non-work-related activities, had friends, and was rarely lonely.

Michael is in San Diego until Monday for the APA Women's Professional Billiards Association tournament. He and his best friend go every year. I went one year, and it's pretty awesome to watch these women play.

So, I am here with the dogs and cats. It's quiet. There's no commotion like there is when Michael is here (in a good way). I didn't have to fight with the cats for space in the bed, as there was a whole side unused.

I never thought I'd really get used to living with someone else, but I have. I've always liked having some alone time--I still need some space. Now it is lonely being here by myself with no one to talk to. No commotion. It's even a little scary being here alone with the war that is going on inside my body. Strange how perspectives change.

My wedding team is coming over tonight to look at my dress. It will be good to have company. I have talked to many people on the phone. I think that if I felt better, I'd be doing way more around the house. Not feeling very well makes me feel a bit isolated.

Tomorrow I will go into town and run a couple of errands, go to the chiropractor, get my hair cut, and take my brother grocery shopping. I'm sure that will perk me up. It's easy to go to the dark side, where there isn't much distraction.

Round 1 Realities

The rash is here. My nose and chin look like puberty has erupted again. I have other areas of my body that are pink and very tender. I suspect they will be next. I don't know how the digestive tract can yoyo betwee the big C&D all at the same time--sometimes within minutes. I thought I knew fatigue from MS. There is a whole different kind I am getting to know now.

I'm glad that my dosage was cut back a bit last week. It would have been hard to have fun if I had been feeling worse. I'm going to talk to the doctor about reducing the dosage or skipping the week of the wedding.

I am making arrangements to go back to work hopefully three days a week, maybe four. I'm scared that I won't be able to do it. But, we need the salary and I have very good insurance. I'm looking into all my options.

The wedding is less than 3 weeks away. Even tho I'm not doing most of the work, last night I was suddenly overwhelmed by all the people coming to town, getting the house cleaned, going back to work, and everything in between. I feel much better today. I know it will all work out. I will do the best I can.

This is my week off my infusion. I'm looking forward to feeling good and watching the rash continue to spread. (A girl's gotta have a hobby.)

Vegas, Baby

We got home mid-afternoon yesterday. I didn't even try to find a computer while we were in Vegas.

After a little booking mistake on my part, we flew standby and got in around 11am. My friends who live there, picked us up, stopped by the store so we could pick up some Ensure, gave us a gift bag of water glasses, lotion, etc., then took us to lunch. WOW! They then brought us to the hotel and we waited out by the pool until our room was ready. Once they got us settled we said goodbye.

The Monte Carlo is a pretty nice hotel. Our room was large and nice. We had a nice view of the pool area and all the construction that is going on behind the hotel. I think the construction crane must be the state bird (or at least the city bird).

The surprise went well. 'O' was spectacular. We eschewed Hoover Dam to go to the Star Trek experience at the Hilton with a couple of other people. It was well done. Then we had our birthday dinner at Circo Restaurant at the Bellagio. It was a really fun weekend.

I've learned that a simple weekend getaway is hard to do now. I have to have some rest time. But I'm so glad we went. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Round 1, Day 15

I had my third treatment today. It burned a little going in this time. The nurse got me with the first poke, but it was in a tenuous position, so had to keep still. My sister entertained us with a hand-held version of Family Feud, complete with commercial breaks and plenty of witty commentary.

My platelet count is a bit down, so the Dr lowered my dosage a bit. My white cell count is still down a little, but nothing worrisome. I'm starting to get dried skin on my face, and a bit of the unpleasant diarrhea (D) and constipation (C). It's hard to imagine kind of having both at the same time, but it's possible. The Dr said that he wouldn't be susrprised if I got a blood clot at some point. Pancreatic cancer and my history make this a definite possibility. So, I shall remain vigilant. He suggested drinking a lot of water on the plane so I'd have to get up and pee often. I hate that. But, I've been on the blood clot flight before and don't want to make that trip again. Almost didn't come back, last time.

By the time my appetite really comes back Wed/Thurs, then the treatment sucks that away nicely for the next few days. I've lost about 10 lbs since all this started. I'm really thankful I have the 'reserves' I do. :-) I'll be buying some Ensure for the hotel room while we're in Vegas. I'm pretty much packed. Just a few last minute things to throw in tomorrow.

Next week is my week off treatment (other than the pill I take). My Dr said that I seem to be tolerating it well, and that if I want to go back to work in some capacity, that would be fine. I'm waiting to hear from the person at work to let me know what all my options are for working and doing chemo.

At the next visit in two weeks, they will check my CA19-9 and see if it has moved from its original number. It can be somewhat of an indication on how things are going, but the ultimate answer lies in the CAT scan. We shall see.

So far just a slight headache, and I'm getting a little tired. Might blog from Vegas if I feel like it and can find a computer.

More Wedding Stuff & Stuff

I think I can go away this weekend and know that I am caught up on my small part of the wedding planning. We met with the minister today, an ex-Catholic priest. As a recovering Catholic myself, we got along just fine. We went over how the ceremony will take place. Thank you VT for the program.

We also put down a deposit on the wedding/reception location. I guess there's no turning back now. :-P We also finished the list of photos we'd like to have. I hate posing for pictures. I always feel so unnatural. But, everyone says, "You're the bride, this day is all about you", so I guess I'll have to suck it up. :-)

I feel pretty good today. Probably best since last Wednesday. Looking forward to another good day tomorrow. I really hope that I feel OK this weekend. I'll bring a good book in case I need to rest in the room.